dude ive been thinking so much about vampires recently? ive also been getting pretty emo in general recently, at least compared to how i used to be which was like 20% emo 80% other stuff, but recently ive been really emo and also more mentally ill about music x3 ive obsessed over so much more music recently, mainly emo and goth music. and i keep almost crying to emo shit, im not sure why but it might have something to do with my new meds? or maybe im just not scared of that side of me as much now, i used to be really scared of being emo because i was afraid to be seen as cringe but im definitely letting go of fear of being cringe more? which is nice but also pretty anxiety inducing yknow. also back to the vampire point i think it would be kinda cool if a vampire were to bite me so like if any vampires are reading this hmu...i do think it is interesting how i used to be so scared of being percieved as just a little emo even just a year ago and now im a lot less scared, definitely some purrsonal growth there which is cool to see i think!, and since i mentioned the new meds i should probably elaborate more, i dont remember what im on exactly but its supposed to help with a lot of stuff in general but mostly my adhd, though it hasnt been doing much recently despite everyone saying theyve noticed a difference, so we did increase the dose a few days ago but i havent noticed much of a differnece so far? and im supposed to have some testing done at some point to check how my brain functions and stuff so meds and therapy are easier to prescribe so i hope that helps, i am still sorta reluctant to get better though tbh... i really dont feel like i deserve it since most other people dont get to be mentally well, and im doing fine enough now i guess i really just dont wanna get any better really? i know i need to but i really dont want to and im still not sure how to make myself want to? maybe i cant make myself? im not sure really. anyways blog entry over stay silly everyone :3 (sidenote i was gonna write about something specific and actually important but i forgot what it was so keep an eye out for an actually good blog entry once i remember what its supposed to be about lolz)

well its almost 2024 and ive been thinking a lot. as one does when its almost the new year X3 ive been doing a lot of self reflection and setting (loose) goals and stuff, but one thing i wasnt purrpared for finding out from self reflection is how scary getting better can be. ive wanted to do better mentally like my whole life and now that i actually am im scared? i dont feel like i deserve it for one, and im also afraid of change... the only thing keeping me from giving up on getting better out of fear is that my internet friends want me to be doing better and i feel like i gotta listen to them because i care about them. i know its a common thing for people to fear getting better, but i never actually thought i would feel that way and im not really sure how to change it? i guess the only way out is through even though through is more scary than. idk. slenderman or something. i have been thinking about good things too though, ive changed so much this year and id like to think it was mostly for the better ! ive gotten much nicer and more full of love and care for everything around me, and ive also gotten better at art because i started using refrences, not to mention ive gained many new interests and tried lots of new things so thats cool! overall the theme of this entry is that change can be good but also bad and even the good things can be bad also? or something idk its fuckin 5 in the morning im tired as balls.<​sarcasm​> ooooo i fuckin learned what nuance is what an awesome and deep thing to have as the first diary entry <​/​sarcasm​> also if you click your cursor on this page smoke comes out which idk if most people would figure out because theres nothing to click here but its fun to watch the smoke move around. just thought i should add a secret here for all the people who read this far for some reason idk. sorry this is a really bad diary entry i gotta stop only coding while sleep deprived :/